On Death and Dying: Coming and Going across the Doorsill

During the last six months I have had the privilege of assisting several individuals through the process of dying and death. As a result of these experiences I am caused to ponder ever more deeply the powerful contribution that Attunement can offer during this very specific transition physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Given the fact that we live in a culture that seems to not only shy away from talking about death and dying, but overtly seems to support Herculean efforts to stay eternally youthful at all costs, it feels timely to share some of my own thoughts and reflections on this particular topic.

The core of my experience revolves around two vital and vivacious women, one of whom was my wife’s grandmother. It is of note that both of these women were strong, independent, and active contributors’ right up until the time that their dying process began. In the case of my grandmother in-law, I had had the privilege of sharing long distance attunements with her three times a week for the last two years. Through this process, her sensitivity to the energetic connection between the two of us had become increasingly refined. Such was the clarity of this connection that in the last hours of her life when she surfaced consciously for the final time, my wife, who was on the other side of the country, told her that I was closely with her during this time and her reply was “I know he is, he is right here beside me!”

This quality of direct communion and communication is one of the most distinctive aspects of the experience of assisting with the dying process. A conversation emerges through which very specific requests and perceptions can be perceived. For example, I was assisting the second woman with a process regarding a brain tumor. Although I had never met her or her daughter, the level of trust that the daughter had relative to me was strong and clear from our first phone conversation. In this initial call, I was very clear that in my work I seek no directed outcome, only that the deeper rhythm seeking to unfold will be allowed to do so. So, if her mother was meant to mend and recover this would happen and if she was meant to die this too would become clear. Interestingly, from the very first session with this woman there was a deep and open quality of connection. Although she had already refused many other practitioners assistance, she was completely receptive to me. Thus, began our “dialogue”. After a week or so of establishing a place of communion between the two of us, her own voice began to surface distinctly. Her main concern was that unless she would be able to continue to live in a vibrant and high quality manner, she was not interested in staying alive. As this question “hung in the space” between us, it became very clear that should she survive this cancer process her life would be much more compromised that it had been. As this awareness clarified, her resolve relative to letting go to the death process became clear. And, within a matter of a week she died.

This point of decision also carries a very distinctive quality to it. It is as though the Being then turns attention to the process of exiting the body and gaining the “wings” to move into other dimensions. The energy becomes very light and soft, there is a quality of slow pulsation that begins, and the actual attachment to the physical body gradually becomes like a fine thread. At times, the Being may pulse more completely back into the body in order to become conscious again or to make a specific connection with a family member, for example. How long this will go on depends on many factors, and in my experience it often seems directly connected to whatever needs to be completed with those people still alive. Once these earthly “responsibilities” have been taken care of the final letting go can occur and the Being is released from physical form.

Over identification on the physical is perhaps one of the most insidious distractions from deeper spiritual work. This identification can translate as “noise” in consciousness. During the dying process this “noise” is one of the elements that begins to subside, and in its stead comes an experience of peace and stillness. Interestingly, it is from this place of peace that the individual comes in contact with what his or her next steps will be. Up until that point they are not consciously aware of the option to let go and release the physical form. In this place of peace, the pain diminishes and a new awareness and confidence emerges that there is, indeed, somewhere to go beyond the physical realm of reality.

Working with a certain cadence and consistency during this phase of the process is vitally important. The need to be there throughout this juncture, coming back on a regular basis to “check-in” with the person will continue to deepen the energetic connection and allow for the fears and concerns that may be working their way through a person’s consciousness to be held and embraced. This is so true with those who are older and have felt that they were ready to leave for sometime; they just needed someone to help them in the transition. Thankfully, as a longtime worker of energy, I am well aware of the fact that we do need each other. And, although there is much that we can do and need to on our own, being able to receive the assistance of someone else during this very specific time is truly a blessing and an example of the fact that we are all deeply intertwined.

The forty-eight hours that follow the release from the physical body are an important part of the transition as well. Many different culture traditions recognize this time and have numerous ways of honoring this specific phase of the process: carefully and ceremonially washing the body, sitting with the body in silence and prayer, releasing the Being from all previous sense of duties and obligations, dancing, singing, lighting candles.

It is my hope that someday in the not too distant future the consciousness of human beings will begin to embrace the dying process as a natural and beautiful part of the experience of living. Certainly the organization of Hospice is exemplary in this regard. Let us remember as Rumi puts it that Beings “coming and going across the doorsill” is the way we were meant to flow to and from this particular reality of time and space.